Bring me sunshine.

"The spring is sprung, the grass is riz".
I'm not wondering where the birdies is, I can hear them, and it's great!
Well it feels like spring may be on the way, though as we are still only mid March anything can still happen. I remember when I was ten it snowed heavily at the beginning of March. And I can believe anything of the weather these days. Especially as I'm now reading Kim Stanley Robinsons book 'Fifty degrees below' - where it goes that cold in Washington (the USA Washington). We had a record low here in December - minus 15 centigrade.

We've got crocuses, and one solitary snowdrop (where are all the others I planted last year?) The daffodils are getting tall. Usually they are in flower before my mothers birthday on March tenth, but they were late last year. The mungo tree is budding.

Life is looking good.

I need cloning

I am sure that the world feels that one of me is enough, but right now I could really do with being in two, or even three places at once. 

• At home with family.

• With my mother at my parents house

• With my father in hospital

I have spent the last three wekends at my parent house, which is 45 miles away from our home. It is difficult for himself to have the boys to himself all weekend, painful for me to be away from them all.  Amazingly they are managing without me - mum's not indispensible after all! But some plans are on hold while my Dad is out of action. The one that hurts most is our plan to get a new kitten - I was really looking forward to that!

Dad is not well, and may never be the man he used to be. Both my parents are finding it hard to accept that they will need to 'move on', and are doing little about it. So my sister Jay and I are having to gently push them  - hoping desparately that we are doing the right thing,  and that we are pushing in the right direction. And trying NOT to take over their lives.

  Life seemed so complicated three weeks ago before Dad took sick. But looking back it seems it was so simple and unproblematic then!  

The main problem at the moment is that it seems to be all about waiting - waiting for doctors to make decisions, waiting for Dad to get stronger, waiting for the hospital to decide what sort of package of care he will need on discharge. Talking to social workers (my sister has a big meeting with mum's social worker this afternoon, to decide if respite care would work for her) It would take the pressure off J and me - we need time with our kids. Just because her kids are older - 15 and 12 - it doesn't mean they don't need their mum!

Where do we go?

A difficult couple of weeks
.
S rang me at work last Friday to say my Dad had been admitted to hospital following a routine outpatient appointment, as his consultant thought he'd had a minor heart attack.

It didn't sound like much. (apart from the fact that Mum can't cope home alone and my sister had to rush over to be with her) We thought he'd be out after the weekend. Worrying, but not seriously so.

The Wednesday following, he was transferred to a specialist heart unit.
Gulp.

We got the impression they wanted to do bypass surgery on him as soon as possible. We were very wrong. They don't want to operate. He is a very high risk, not only diabetic, but asthmatic, and his heart appears to be in poor shape. If he has surgery he might be in ITU for weeks. I don't want to think about the other possiblities. They don't even want to stent his heart.

So where do we go? He is needing oxygen most of the time, even on bedrest. He had an asthma attack the other day, and they took him off his beta blockers as a result. The next day his heart went crazy for a while. He is scared and hasn't a clue what might be in store for him. He thinks that his family (my sister, mum and I) should be the ones making choices about his future. I'm not sure what he is praying for. I don't know what to ask for for him. I don't know how to help my mother.

Please God, answers soon?

Annual Review

 Christmas is gone. The decorations came down on Saturday. The snow is gone (for now?) Pup is back at school.

I'm excited, it's the time of year when I start planning, and making LISTS of all the things I am not-going-to-get around-to-doing this year (note NOT New Years resolutions - can't do those)

And it's been a busy week. Not just the normal hit the ground running after our holiday (of which more later) , but Pups annual review at the hospital was last Tuesday. it's a a tiring and demanding day.

Starts with hour long bus trip to hospital at 8am. Then we wait on the Day Ward to be seen by various people.

This time he had his meeting with the dietitian first. She's pretty happy with him, although his weight and height appear to have plateaued a bit (surprising considering how he's grown out of trou. and shoes recently). She's like to get him less dependent on food substitutes like his prescribed 'Fortini' milk.- some hope! Also a bit contrary to her telling us that he is not getting enough calories. Doh.

Next the physiotherapist. An hour long session. She takes history, does cough swab. Then checks blood oxygen and pulse, gets him to do 2 minutes exercise then rechecks. Observing PEP technique and teaching us some new breathing exercises.She also observed his walking and moving and agreed to refer us to another physio who may be able to give us some advice about exercises to help him be more 'stable' on his feet (he fell really badly last week) He still can't hop properly and runs at walking speed, pretty poor for a 7 year old, but no medical people seem interested.

Then the bit he's been dreading . The blood test. Amazingly it went really well! He was terrified, on hot bricks until he was called in for it, asking everyone who came to see us in the waiting room if they'd come to do his blood test. But when it was time he went into the room with few protests, allowed himself to be sat on my lap, and looked at a  book with the play therapist while it was done. He did glance over his shoulder a few times to see how they were getting on, but he sat still. Which anyone who knows him will realise is a great achievement for him. Not like his flu jab a couple of weeks ago where he kicked hit and screamed while it was done.

Well done boy!

Then chest X-rays  times two. Just about stayed still long enough for the pics to be taken.

Then abdominal ultrasound, which he fortunately quite enjoys, fortunately because she was REALLY thorough and took about half an hour.

Discussions with specialist nurse at end. Could not see psychologist today which was frustrating - maybe next time.

Dream Time

  I have a recurring dream.

  I am starting a course at college / university, and am just moving into my 'digs'.
  That's the recurring bit.

  The rest is liable to change. I may be leaving my parents / sister, or husband. In the last few years I've been leaving my kids too. But it's alright, they are being cared for by someone, and I will see them in the holidays. minimal guilt feelings. Lots of excitement. Digs vary in size / shape - often a room in an old house, sometimes student rabbit hutch. Sometimes old friends will be waiting down the corridor.

I never know what I'm going to study, or where I am - that all seems irrelevant in the dream.

  I think it's all about escapism. It's usually a good dream. Also it's about the fact that I love to study.  I may even confess here (very quietly) that I like doing exams. Weird, eh? I'm sure a psychologist would read a lot more into it, probably not to my credit.

total fruitcake

Tigs in action.

Amazing how much fun you can have with 2 balloons.

That's about right

"Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong'.
Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night."
— Charles M. Schulz