Wednesday, 26 September 2012

Reasons to be cheerful

(Warning: not a cheerful post)

Fighting depression at the moment. I never get very down these days, but I am a little low. SAD season starts with the shorter days. So I need to think of the good stuff. The trouble is in this state of mind I twist all the good into problems and worries.

Lovely big garden = lots of work
Lively cat = he's going to get run over.
Elderly cat = will she get ill?
Mum is fit and well  = when is she going to get ill? I saw her yesterday and I'm going down with a cold today, have I given it to her? 
House decorating to plan = decisions I cannot face.

Worrying about the boys futures? I can't even go there at the moment. Tigs has a slight tic = has he got Tourettes? Himself is tired all the time - has he got some dreadful undiagnosed condition? He has just found out that he didn't get the promotion he was trying for, and is very fed up about it.

And I have lots of jobs to do, feeling overwhelmed by them so I'm not doing any of them. Shopping was delivered about half an hour ago and most of it is sitting on the table presumably waiting for the fairies to put it away. Washing machine is waiting to be unloaded. When I get depressed; I go all passive. Drink tea. Snack. Stop praying. I've got big decisions about my future to make. .... sometime.

And for goodness sake I've got nothing to moan about. The news headlines are all about people made homeless by floods. Syrian children being tortured. We live in a great town, in a free country, have a lovely home (if in serious need of redecoration).  We are not bankrupt or persecuted. We have two gorgeous boys, lots of great family, the best cats in the universe. Pull yourself together girl.

Enough. I'm going shopping.

Saturday, 22 September 2012

A weight off my shoulders

  We've always resisted trying to get Pup's behaviour issues diagnosed; partly because we feel that he has enough 'labels' hanging around his neck already. Premature, adopted, cystic fibrosis. It's a lot for a boy to handle. But I've given in. I took him to the Quack this week and asked her to refer him for an assessment. School is getting increasingly concerned about him, he is disrupting at Cubs, at Sunday school, and almost everywhere we take him out. He is getting more and more out of step with other kids his age. We are worrying more and more about how he will cope at senior school. At the very least he could get badly bullied.

So we've taken that big step. I think it may be a long road. I thought I would feel guilty, but I don't, I feel like a big weight has dropped off me. Yes, we want him to be 'normal' (if there is such a thing). But we want him to get all the help he needs as well. And another label just might make people more tolerant of his idiosyncracies.... we hope. 

I don't really know how he feels about it. He knows his behaviour causes problems. (how could he not know?) I was as direct as I could be with him, and tried to explain to him that we are not saying he is naughty - in fact he is a child that loves to be helpful and to please people. He isn't talking about it. But he doesn't like to talk about negative things, he never has. I just hope we are doing the right thing for him. I've had too many years of people saying to me "It's just attatchment disorder", "He'll catch up", "He'll do it in his own time", "Don't worry, he's a lovely boy." Sorry, but being lovely isn't enough. Sadly he has to conform at least to some extent to societies expectations, even if those expectations can be unreasonable sometimes. I don't want him to stop being 'Pup'. He has a strong personality that will always shine through. AND he is an optimist! I think, I hope that he will cope.

Thursday, 20 September 2012

My life is ruined forever!

Pup  came upstairs yesterday evening howling "My life is ruined forever!"

I am NOT laughing. (well not where he can hear). The problem is that he and Tigs were playing with separate Brio tracks, and could not agree over how to allocate the trucks fairly. So Dad made them take turns over who chose which truck. Tigs chose one of Pups favourites.


Saturday, 15 September 2012

Back to school

   Boys back to school, back to routine, and back to spending school days on my own from 9 to 3.

   This is no burden, I've always been happy alone, and have to make a big effort to socialise, even with good friends. I'm pretty antisocial by nature and ahve always felt that the life of a  hermit is quite appealing. I certainly do not spend the time watching daytime TV. I may spend just a little too much time far too much time on my computer.  But I'm also sorting the house. We've still got a total bomb site of a spare room from when we emptied Mum and Dad's house. Got rid of loads of debris, but there are so many things that I am reluctant to dispose of yet. And I'm storing a lot of Mum's stuff  that she doesn't want cluttering up her room in her residential home. Books, photo albums, all her art work. And some of Dad's stuff that I can't bear to part with, like his old collection of cigarette cards (technically these are Mum's but she is just not interested in going through his things.)

  And then there is housework (nuff said)

  And the garden. When we moved in here three years ago our garden was a meadow. The previous owners had zero minus ten interest in the garden, our neighbours say that they ripped out a lot of trees and bushes, and just planted grass. (why?) It is a big garden by the standard of modern British gardens. Our house was built in the 1950's an era when land was not at such a premium, and we have a great back garden, 60 foot long and 60 foot wide at its widest point. We've done a lot of work in it, but still have a long way to go. Minor detail of two small boys taking up way too much of our time - they have to be fed, taken to school, entertained, physio'd (Pup) and told off. Time stolen from gardening (and drawing, photography, sewing and about 20,00o other hobbies I like to indulge in. Oh and Himself needs a little attention every now and again. And the cats have to be fed watered and entertained occasionally as well. But at the moment the garden is my priority during school hours, while the good weather lasts. It got slightly neglected  left to turn into a jungle over the summer holidays. Now I'm playing catchup as well as still working on infrastructure. And enjoying it.

Tuesday, 4 September 2012

This little cat..


This little - or now not so little - cat kept me sane during the chaos and sadness of last year when Dad was ill and died, and during the months when we were taking my parents' home of 30 years apart and 'rehoming' mum.

He was always there to welcome me home with his little broken miaow, he is simple, uncritical and gorgeous.

No I don't love him more than my kids, but he is so restful to be with, and you cannot say that about either of our boys. He is so straightforward and affectionate when so many other things are worrying and full of conflict, (not physical conflict - never that!)

   Thank you Moses. Mose the Pose, The Ginge, Furface. Just stroking you makes me feel at peace. When you come rushing into the house demanding food NOW it gives me such a lift. Or when you come racing towards me when I get home, raising your tail flag in welcome. Sometimes you think you are a dog, like when you play 'fetch' with your toy mice. Sometimes you are just peculiar - how many cats will choose to sit out in the rain? Ok you have some less savoury habits. I hate finding sad little dead baby birds on my kitchen floor, or live frogs hopping around the dining room. And when you have been out on a rainy night and you come in and leap onto our bed and shake yourself all over us, it can be  a *little* irritating.  But no-one's perfect.

Saturday, 1 September 2012


  I'm still in bed, with 2 cats, who are lying as far apart from each other as possible. Monocat is curled tightly, the Ginge is sprawling. I can hear reassuring gentle chatter as Himself negotiates getting boys dressed. Pups 'angry birds' t-shirt is dirty, and he's not happy about that, but thankfully today he's willing to compromise and find something else. Tigs seems to be pulling all his clothes out of his drawers to find the 'right' top. He'll probably come out of his room dressed in thick trousers, jumper and long sleeved top despite being told that it's a warm day and that he neeeds shorts and T-shirt. Tigs likes jmpers, and likes to be covered up. I was just like that as a kid, my mother virtually had to drag my cardigan off me on hot days.  I've told Tigs that, and he thinks it's funny (and reassuring?) to hear that he is doing something mummy did when she was little.

Life for once feels 'normal', kids behaving rationally (well they are small boys, so I'll say fairly rationally!) We are all going out for the day, I hope this peaceful feeling lasts!

Meanwhile I must get up, Himself has done breakfast and has made the picnic. He's 'on duty' this morning - we alternate at weekends having a lie in while the other 'does' the boys - that time is a real haven of peace. But it's time to climb out of my haven and get to it.....