Friday, 22 February 2013

Thw Wicked Witch of the West

  That's me. The evil nagging mummy. Always on my kids backs, telling them to do stuff, telling them off for not doing stuff, clearing up stuff they haven't done and getting mad at them for not doing it.  At least that's who I feel like and I hate it. They are 2 very chaotic kids, with short concentration spans, hyper and distractable; and sometimes they drive me crazy.

  Before I had kids, when I knew all about parenting, I was going to be a laid back mum, who gave my kids a lot of space and freedom. Of course good manners and helpfulness would be important, but they would be encouraged to find their own interests, plan their own play. I was not going to fill all their time with planned activities. I'd make sure they had a big variety of toys and books, I'd encourage them by using the toys myself, drawing and painting, making, sewing, gardening.....  but they could join in when they wanted, I'd take them for fun walks and trips. I'd spend time with them, but  on their terms. Their free time would be their own.

                                         Free time.      What.    a.    Joke. 
  They have way too much to do. Get up, go to school, come home,  snacks, homework, jobs, physio, clubs, feed, clean, bed....... With my two all these things take twice as long because they are so distractable and excitable. We have a really strict routine, if we did not we wouldn't cope. Pup at least would never do anything, and I think he'd get stressed. 

E.g. Home from school routine: Coat and shoes off, put away, unpack bag, put away, homework in in-tray for later, get changed, snack (in front of telly if he's behaved well), do homework. Believe me it is necessary. Pup is getting it down to a fine art these days and can get through the routine well 3/4 of the time, unless routine changes, Tigs is an anarchist so tries to do everything except what he's asked. E.g 'coat away' means 'throw coat on floor in hall', even if that takes more effort than hanging it up. 'Get changed' means he spends an hour wrecking playing in his room, then comes downstairs howling and half dressed because he's just realised it is too late for a snack. And me on their backs all the time to ensure they do stuff. I hate it. And yep it would be easier to do their bags coats etc, But what sort of adults would I be producing? Entitled people who feel they should be waited on all the time? As it is they do very little to help around the house so far. Pup sweeps the hall floor once a week, they keep their rooms tidy (or don't!). Other jobs are random. I'd like them to do more but I'd feel even more wicked witchy if I had to nag them more, and they seem to have so little time just to be themselves, as it is.

Do I feel bad when I ask them to do things?  Yes

Do I feel especially bad for Pup, because I want whatever life he has to be good? Yes. But then I feel bad for Tigs because I don't want him to miss out.

Am I trying to 'make it up to them' for all the bad stuff that's happened to them?  Probably.

Do I feel bad because they have 'elderly' parents who don't have the energy that a pair of 30 year old parents would have? Yes.

Should I be kicking myself like this? er, no! I feel as if I'm behaving a bit like Pup - when he realises he's forgotten to do something he starts to cry and bash himself round the head.  I just want to be the best mum I can be. I want to stop nagging, and never to shout again.. The boys don't hold grudges, they are cuddly, loving and gorgeous. For now we are the parents they want. I seem to be the mum they would choose to have, wicked witch or not. We've never had "I hate you". "You're not my real mum." or any of that... yet. Tigs has threatened to leave home one or twice. That is all so far. May it last!


  1. Stop beating yourself up! I know it's hard to stop it, I know it's hard not to blame yourself and I know it's hard to be a parent that you hadn't intended to be.
    But you're doing what is right for them, and right for your family...and a good job of it too!

    They love you for who you are, and you them...and long may THAT last x

  2. I know Vicki, and usually I don't, but I was having a really off day yesterday, some days the depression comes back and is really hard to deal with. Letting off steam on here really helped. I'll have to decide whether to keep the post or delete it. Better day today for all of us.
    Hope you're doing ok.

  3. Please be reassured that we all feel like this at time, that we nag our children and then feel guilty because of our children's story, but Don't. Easier said than done but honestly it sounds like you are doing an amazing job with their routine and providing exactly what is needed for them. I think I could learn a few organisational tips from you, homework in tray is something we could do with and how clever to include unpacking bags in your routine. I'm forever finding letters and things in the bottom of bags that I should have had days before. Keep going with the great work and thanks for sharing on the Weekly Adoption Shout Out.