Thinking aloud.

I read a blog today whose author was commenting about how few female christian bloggers there are in the UK. I'm amazed. I know that in the US every other christian mum (I can't write it with an 'o', it just doesn't work for me!) seems to have her own blog. Why are we so different in the UK? is it a bad thing?!?

I don't think this is a christian blog. I don't have an inspiring text at the top or mention God every time I blog. I'm not even sure what this blog is for. Not to evangelise the world, or even to entertain people. More of an online diary. I am pretty sure no-one reads it! 

Perhaps I should be more 'religious'; but it doesn't come naturally. I can talk to God, usually not very coherently, but find it hard to talk about him. Mostly because he is such a big subject that anything I say is likely to be wrong, as I can only see a tiny bit of him (like the blind man who touched the elephants tail and decided it was a snake) 

When I say I can talk to God I mean I usually just get his attention and throw pictures at him and say "what are you going to do about it God? Can you make it better?" or "What do you want me to ask you to do about this one?" In particular when it comes to my kids I'm often afraid to pray. 

Two things I want to ask him about them - first that they will learn to love him, and second that they will be well - and that Pup in particular be healed. I've never heard of anyone being healed of CF; funny how God does not appear to heal people of genetic conditions. And I haven't got a millionth of a mustardseeds worth of faith that he will be healed. So I don't ask very often. And I am not one of these people that can beg God for years to do one thing, and still believe it will happen. And I can't believe that his healing or otherwise depends on my propensity to pray - or not.

I should stop this stream of consciousness stuff. I really should be molishing a wardrobe (opposite to demolishing - we have our own language in this house!) It's for Pup who is at school. Boy 2 is glued to the TV for a change. he is usually racing around the house or hassling my every spare moment. I haven't written much about Tigs; how he delights and maddens me every day. How bright and energetic and beautiful and wicked he is. Must get round to it. I must write the story of how we got both boys, I need to record it for their sakes. In my copious free time.

Japan ... and a kitten

Who isn't thinking or talking about that desparate country at the moment?

Isn't it at the back of your mind all the time, as life goes on as normal here?

It is so strange to me that we can be living the same old mundane life, but another wealthy 'civilized' country on the other side of Earth is falling apart? It amazes me that we heard about the earthquake within minutes, and were seeing pictures, videos almost as soon. On the news it's "2000 bodies washed ashore", "Nuclear plant going into meltdown", "Thousands left without power, food or water in the freezing cold" while I sit here and sup tea, having put my kids to bed. It feels surreal. Can't shut out other nations tragedies these days. They are forced down your throat by the media. And it is probably good that we do know; we need to know, we need to care.

There have been so many tragedies recently, and nothing I can do to help seems adequate. If I sold everything I had and rushed out there to volunteer help; would it really make any significant difference? So it's so easy to say "No, it wouldn't be more than a drop in the ocean of need out there. So maybe it's not worth helping".

But it must be worth helping. But I don't know how. How to give, who to give to (which needy situation? which charity?) How much to give? Give money - or something else? And I find the impossibility of choosing paralyses me, and I don't give. Well not enough anyway. And I'm not sure what to pray for except "God please help!" Boy 1 prayed for the earthquake to stop tonight. I wish I could pray so easily for the tragedy to STOP.

A friend came for coffee this morning and we talked kids, and the usual domestic worries. We analysed our children, their schools, all the usual mum concerns. We didn't mention the rest of the world. We discussed this little fellow.

he is still nameless

I am incredibly excited about our new adoption. He's coming to live with us in a weeks time. Is it wrong to be so happy in anticipation of such a little thing (and he is so tiny...), while the Arab world is in a state of bloody flux, Japan is grieving, food and petrol prices are 'spiralling out of control' (if  I every use that phrase again pleas shoot me, I hate it) I don't think it's wrong, any more wrong that enjoying the recent much longed for sunshine, the daffodils coming up, the local blackbird who is in excellent voice. Still feel guilty about it though. But I am going to enjoy it all!

Quince in flower

God is in his heaven.... all is not wrong with the world.

Pup

We saw Pup's teacher the other day about his school individual education plan (IEP); he has this special plan in place because he has a few issues at school, and needs extra support. Teacher says he is "doing very well academically" despite being a big handful in class, not doing any work and not being able to write legibly yet. This left me rather confused!

He always comes over as bright, but he isn't too good at listening, he'd rather talk - and boy, does he talk! He's pretty good at getting over what he wants to say, although he uses ten words when two would do. We joke that he will be a politician when he grows up - he has a strong liking for rules as well as never answering a question directly, and having a fair amount of charisma. In fact most people prefer him in small doses, as he can be rather overwhelming. He isn't too good with kids his own age; although he gets on brilliantly with his little bro. Some emotional immaturity there I think. He is usually a happy and positive kid.

It's been a long road so far with him. There's a long way to go. We don't know what his future will be. Somedays I just pray that he will HAVE a future. Twenty / thirty years ago kids with Cystic Fibrosis weren't expected to live to adulthood. Now the expectation is that they will live many more years, and may enjoy good health for far longer. But there may be hard times ahead for him, years of sickness, increasing disability, maybe even transplants. He doesn't know half of what may be ahead for him. He has plans. He wants to be a teacher, and to have three kids (he doesn't want a wife, only a woman to gestate his kids for him, who can then fade quietly into the background!)

Life is often challenging for him. He doesn't enjoy eating. He lives with chronic stomach aches. He gets very fed up with the meds he has to take, the physio; with the knowledge that he has pressures on him that other kids don't.

Sometimes we forget that there is this uncertainty hanging over him. I'm glad we can forget. I'm glad he doesn't know yet. One day is soon enough.

Bring me sunshine.

"The spring is sprung, the grass is riz".
I'm not wondering where the birdies is, I can hear them, and it's great!
Well it feels like spring may be on the way, though as we are still only mid March anything can still happen. I remember when I was ten it snowed heavily at the beginning of March. And I can believe anything of the weather these days. Especially as I'm now reading Kim Stanley Robinsons book 'Fifty degrees below' - where it goes that cold in Washington (the USA Washington). We had a record low here in December - minus 15 centigrade.

We've got crocuses, and one solitary snowdrop (where are all the others I planted last year?) The daffodils are getting tall. Usually they are in flower before my mothers birthday on March tenth, but they were late last year. The mungo tree is budding.

Life is looking good.

I need cloning

I am sure that the world feels that one of me is enough, but right now I could really do with being in two, or even three places at once. 

• At home with family.

• With my mother at my parents house

• With my father in hospital

I have spent the last three wekends at my parent house, which is 45 miles away from our home. It is difficult for himself to have the boys to himself all weekend, painful for me to be away from them all.  Amazingly they are managing without me - mum's not indispensible after all! But some plans are on hold while my Dad is out of action. The one that hurts most is our plan to get a new kitten - I was really looking forward to that!

Dad is not well, and may never be the man he used to be. Both my parents are finding it hard to accept that they will need to 'move on', and are doing little about it. So my sister Jay and I are having to gently push them  - hoping desparately that we are doing the right thing,  and that we are pushing in the right direction. And trying NOT to take over their lives.

  Life seemed so complicated three weeks ago before Dad took sick. But looking back it seems it was so simple and unproblematic then!  

The main problem at the moment is that it seems to be all about waiting - waiting for doctors to make decisions, waiting for Dad to get stronger, waiting for the hospital to decide what sort of package of care he will need on discharge. Talking to social workers (my sister has a big meeting with mum's social worker this afternoon, to decide if respite care would work for her) It would take the pressure off J and me - we need time with our kids. Just because her kids are older - 15 and 12 - it doesn't mean they don't need their mum!

Where do we go?

A difficult couple of weeks
.
S rang me at work last Friday to say my Dad had been admitted to hospital following a routine outpatient appointment, as his consultant thought he'd had a minor heart attack.

It didn't sound like much. (apart from the fact that Mum can't cope home alone and my sister had to rush over to be with her) We thought he'd be out after the weekend. Worrying, but not seriously so.

The Wednesday following, he was transferred to a specialist heart unit.
Gulp.

We got the impression they wanted to do bypass surgery on him as soon as possible. We were very wrong. They don't want to operate. He is a very high risk, not only diabetic, but asthmatic, and his heart appears to be in poor shape. If he has surgery he might be in ITU for weeks. I don't want to think about the other possiblities. They don't even want to stent his heart.

So where do we go? He is needing oxygen most of the time, even on bedrest. He had an asthma attack the other day, and they took him off his beta blockers as a result. The next day his heart went crazy for a while. He is scared and hasn't a clue what might be in store for him. He thinks that his family (my sister, mum and I) should be the ones making choices about his future. I'm not sure what he is praying for. I don't know what to ask for for him. I don't know how to help my mother.

Please God, answers soon?

Annual Review

 Christmas is gone. The decorations came down on Saturday. The snow is gone (for now?) Pup is back at school.

I'm excited, it's the time of year when I start planning, and making LISTS of all the things I am not-going-to-get around-to-doing this year (note NOT New Years resolutions - can't do those)

And it's been a busy week. Not just the normal hit the ground running after our holiday (of which more later) , but Pups annual review at the hospital was last Tuesday. it's a a tiring and demanding day.

Starts with hour long bus trip to hospital at 8am. Then we wait on the Day Ward to be seen by various people.

This time he had his meeting with the dietitian first. She's pretty happy with him, although his weight and height appear to have plateaued a bit (surprising considering how he's grown out of trou. and shoes recently). She's like to get him less dependent on food substitutes like his prescribed 'Fortini' milk.- some hope! Also a bit contrary to her telling us that he is not getting enough calories. Doh.

Next the physiotherapist. An hour long session. She takes history, does cough swab. Then checks blood oxygen and pulse, gets him to do 2 minutes exercise then rechecks. Observing PEP technique and teaching us some new breathing exercises.She also observed his walking and moving and agreed to refer us to another physio who may be able to give us some advice about exercises to help him be more 'stable' on his feet (he fell really badly last week) He still can't hop properly and runs at walking speed, pretty poor for a 7 year old, but no medical people seem interested.

Then the bit he's been dreading . The blood test. Amazingly it went really well! He was terrified, on hot bricks until he was called in for it, asking everyone who came to see us in the waiting room if they'd come to do his blood test. But when it was time he went into the room with few protests, allowed himself to be sat on my lap, and looked at a  book with the play therapist while it was done. He did glance over his shoulder a few times to see how they were getting on, but he sat still. Which anyone who knows him will realise is a great achievement for him. Not like his flu jab a couple of weeks ago where he kicked hit and screamed while it was done.

Well done boy!

Then chest X-rays  times two. Just about stayed still long enough for the pics to be taken.

Then abdominal ultrasound, which he fortunately quite enjoys, fortunately because she was REALLY thorough and took about half an hour.

Discussions with specialist nurse at end. Could not see psychologist today which was frustrating - maybe next time.