Sad happy sad

Sad - because a 12 year old girl has been murdered in south London, possibly by a close relative. Thinking how her family must be feeling at this moment.

Happy, we've got our boys back from Grandma's. However despite (or because of?) an exciting visit, with swimming trips, and a visit to Wicksteed Park with extended family they have come home inevitably somewhat unsettled and were little sods quite challenging today.

Sad because I'm finding work difficult at the moment and am having to make big decisions about my future. I've been nursing for 23 years (wow!), and need to think what I should do next. Working just one day a week  is not good for me and not good for my place of work. Not working at all would be hard as well. Increasing my hours would not work for the boys at all. I had to come home early from work today because I was exhausted, and that's not good.

We've been enjoying the Olympics together; the boys have special dispensation to scream as loud as they like when team GB wins a medal, and they are taking full advantage of it.The weather is great, and Himself and I are having quite a lot of time together.

So.... mostly good around here.

Home alone

Three boy free days for himself and me.

The boys are at Grandma and Grandads, with Himselfs very brave parents. We went over for the weekend and a family celebratation, and left them there; the Grandparents are returning them to us on Wednesday. It is just sinking in that they won't be  coming into our bedroom this morning, that we've got three days without meds or physio, without small boy fights (we get a lot of those at the moment).Three days of peace.

Feeling a little lost and aimless, and a lot guilty. The boys knew what was happening and were happy with it, in fact really excited about it; but at bedtime they were asking us not to go. We hoped they'd be asleep by the time we left so it would be a fait accompli in the morning when they woke. But Pup emerged from his bedroom as we crept out of the house and stood at the top of the stairs saying  "Please don't go, I'm begging you."

We went anyway. Grandma reports on the phone that he went to bed and back to sleep almost immediately.

Praying that they don't exhaust the grandparents too much. Pup gets so overexcited and he has no 'brakes' on his behaviour. He admits he can't stop himself, and he doesn't yet recognise soon enough when he's getting OTT, so he can't calm himself, and he still fights us when we try to get him to calm down. Just hope he isn't like this with the grandparents. Tigs is simply hyperactive and can be very very tiring. Gold medals to the granparents for taking them. Most people won't take our kids on, even for a short break.

Adoption in the news here.

 Recently Pup has taken to going to bed with some of his old photo albums. Most noteworthy the one compiled by his foster carers, full of pictures of people who are now strangers to him, places he can't remember, and dozens of pictures of a cute smiling baby.

He hasn't been talking about it much yet, but I had a taster last night when I went up to say goodnight.

"Mummy, there's a picture in here I want to show you" 

......Several minutes spent trawling through album.....

"Look, it's you and Dad with me!"

"Yes, that's the day we met you!"  (Very thoughtful foster carers included a photo they'd taken of 'Intro day' in their album.)

Little giggle, grin "You're smiling!"

"Yes Pup, that's because we were really happy to be meeting you."

"Oh.............           Night night Mummy."

Now I think the best thing for me to do is lie low and wait for more questions. I hope that's the right choice. He very rarely mentions adoption at all, and I do not want to force things.

We have the lurgy

DO we have the lurgy.

I will spare you the details but it is messy and painful, and all except Himself have been 'laid aside on beds of sickness' as they used to say in our church when I was a kid. Pretty gross description, and in this case pretty accurate. We have had a sad few days. Tigs was first, then Pup. Then me. They are creeping back to normal, I am still shakey and off my feed. Pup is still using it as an excuse not to eat; since food is not his thing anything that lets him off eating is not all bad as far as he is concerned. And he got to play on the Wii and watch TV a lot.
The really rotten bit is that my sister and one of her kids are visiting, and they've come down with it too (guilt, guilt) AND we had guests at the weekend, a family  who are now gone off camping in France. We will find out later if they caught it -  I am quite prepared for them never to speak to us again.

However it hasn't all been a bad weekend, although we didn't get out, some fun was still had:

This is what was happening when I was in bed yesterday, captured by Himself on MY camera. And no, he didn't ask if he could borrow it.

Sad

Because a close relative was getting cross with one of my sons today and shouting at him because his behaviour was irrational and annoying. (it was annoying me too). Yes, he needed checking. Yes sometimes you need to shout because he needs to stop NOW, as what he's doing is dangerous or impacting badly on someone else. But you don't need to shout just because he's being annoying.

Because the same relative read my sons school report and told him off about the negative parts of the report, without mentioning the first sentence which read 'He has done really well this year and should be proud of himself'.

Because sometimes I run out of patience with my kids big time too, and I don't want to.

Because people outside see two pesky annoying kids and don't see two kids who are achieving great things despite all the grot they've had to put up with in their lives.

Because sometimes having kids that are 'different' is so isolating. Even friends who know my kids really well, love them and understand them, cannot know what it is like to live with them.

Because I'm afraid for their futures. And I love them.

A song in his head

  There is always singing in our house in the mornings (along with the shouting, banging, nagging, arguing etc....) This morning it was a medley from Joseph and his Amazing Technicolour Dreamcoat, Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, and Do Ray Me. At least they have both moved on from Wheels on the Bus. One day we will get into the 21st century, I'm in no hurry. Nor it seems are they, they prefer songs that are 'singable' to rock or pop music - so far. No doubt that will change .

  It is more commonly Tigs who is singing or humming. It doesn't matter to him that he doesn't know the words, or the tune, he'll sing it anyway. Tig has a few 'tics' and grunts that can be  a little irritating to live with at times, but sometimes if you listen carefully to him you realise that the little breathy noises that are coming from him are from subvocalised songs. I try and ban him from singing aloud at the table or when we are trying to hold a conversation. Sounds cruel? Well if I didn't we'd never be able to eat or talk! But the music usually breaks out at some point.  I tell him that even if he's not allowed to sing out loud he can always sing in his head.

  Having said that Tigs is usually singing, Pup comes a close second. He's in the choir at school, and likes to practice his songs. He has a much better memory for the words than Tigs, so is slightly easier to listen to. And when they are both singing you cannot hear yourself think, let alone talk..... 

  This morning they were doing both parts of 'Any Dream Will Do' while they were supposed to be putting on shoes and coats; they don't know it all yet so the result was 'interesting'.    I did try and chip in with the 'correct' words.  Indignant response: "Mummy, we're doing our version!"  

Oops. Sorry.

Why I am not a troll

One of the few bloggers I read reasonably regularly has just written a post on trolling. I love it.

Not having a big fan base I haven't had any trolls yet. On the few occasions I post on blogs I do try hard to be positive.  I can see how easy it would be to forget that there are human beings that have feelings at the other end of the cable that links my PC to the world. Must keep reminding myself of that.

'the bloggess' on Trolls